My last blog post is dated January 20th. I drafted another on January 21st, but never published it. Now it’s hard to even know where to start. We are three weeks into a new reality in the United States. The COVID-19 pandemic has changed the world. Nobody knows how long before we will all return to working in offices, or when we will stop wearing masks, and disinfecting everything before we bring it into our homes. Will some once normal elements of our lives be forever changed, like sporting events, concerts, and festivals?
I have been working from home since the week of March 16th. We had just returned from New York for my laparoscopic surgery which was the week prior on Thursday, March 12th. That was the day that the Coronavirus shit really hit the fan. The NBA cancelled the rest of the season the evening prior. I know I haven’t written about it before, but my husband and I organize a large annual public event. It’s a significant part of our lives, and we work on it outside of our day jobs. This year’s festival was scheduled for March 29th. We ended up announcing its cancellation the same day as my surgery.
My stepdad, who has lived with Alzheimer’s disease for the past few years, had been declining quickly for the past 6 months. My mom moved him into a nursing home the last week in January. He passed away less than two weeks later.
I also chose to try another ovarian stimulation cycle after January’s failed cycle, in hopes of a different outcome. I wanted desperately to squeeze one more egg retrieval in before my laparoscopy. I wanted to believe that my body was still capable of growing viable eggs. It was my eighth stimulation cycle, and was cancelled on February 28th after 13 days. I had four follicles that didn’t seem to change at all. This was my last attempt to get eggs from my own ovaries.
The week after my laparoscopy, a surgery that was recommended for me before attempting a frozen embryo transfer, my clinic, along with most other fertility clinics around the country, decided to suspend all cycles in accordance with ASRM guidance. After spending over a year and tens of thousands of dollars on egg retrieval attempts, related treatments and testing, we were finally ready to transfer with my next menstrual cycle after surgery. Now that’s postponed indefinitely.
I realize that there is a place for levity with respect to the current state of the world. However, the #coronaboom jokes (about a predicted baby boom in 9 months) are, in my opinion, tacky for several reasons. There are thousands of families that are grappling with postponed cycles. They are undoubtedly processing multiple layers of grief right now. There are pregnant women who are afraid for their health and the health of their unborn babies. And there are millions who have lost their jobs because of COVID and are struggling to meet their families’ basic needs. People are in pain, many are suffering, and nearly 100,000 have died worldwide.
There is also a series of posts circulating on social media with a similar theme. Many start out like this… “The world is healing. In Venice for the first time in forever the water in the canals is CLEAR…” It goes on to list more supposed benefits to the environment due to the reduction in human activity. The validity of these claims is highly questionable. Many of these posts go on to claim that the virus is actually just Mother Earth putting us in “time out.” Claiming that the virus is here for a purpose. All of the posts like this that I have seen all seem to have an air of authority. All of this is very dismissive and tone-deaf. It’s the equivalent of being told that “everything happens for a reason” after a pregnancy loss. Or “maybe you just weren’t meant to have kids” to someone who is infertile. There are so many people grieving in the world right now, because of COVID, or because of pain that existed before or in spite of COVID. Grief is valid, pain is valid, and there is no reason that anyone should accept this toxic drivel about the virus being here (causing extreme loss, anxiety, pain, and death) for a reason.
I started this blog on a whim with a promise to myself that I would start to find joy and happiness in my life again, in spite of the heaviness of pregnancy loss and infertility. I had hoped to document my own journey to reclaiming my life, after being consumed for the past few years by our desperate attempts to have a living child. The good and the bad, the victories and roadblocks. I am struggling. 2018 was the year we lost our baby girl. 2019 was the year of IVF – we threw ourselves into aggressive treatments. And it was also the year that my sister emotionally abused me for months, and physically assaulted me. 2020… well, it seems as if a year has passed already, and it has only been three months. I have been working on finding some sources of joy and will share them. But right now I’m just working on surviving.
A Life Reclaimed 